So, I have always thought of my life as defined in some ways by what I listen to. iPods have been great for people who are into this kind of thing, because it allows us to carry our soundtrack with us (though not quite so cool as to have it playing while you stroll in ala "Shaft"). There are several of my friends who have had this thing as far back as I can remember (Jonesy's mix tapes and cd's I remember well). iPods make it even easier to carry these important pieces of ourselves around with us, and it can be quite personal. I mean, how often do you let other people see ALL the contents of your iPod?? Yeah, me neither :) It isn't always clear whether or not my mood informs my listening or my listening informs my mood, but I suspect it works both ways. But in either case, there has always been a set of running soundtracks running through my life.
One is the immediate one, the one that defines the current feelings or situation where I might find myself. These are the ones that change somewhat frequently and can range from the mundane to the bizarre. From the glory of Bach to the cheese of the Carpenters, this tends to reflect, and then I think it reflects back my state of being at any given time. So these playlists get edited somewhat frequently, are more apt to have a wide range of music and probably newer music though not necessarily. I have found that my interest in new music has tended to decline, not because I think there is no good music today but rather because I have a much harder time dealing with the new models of obtaining it. Basically, there is SO much out there it is a bit overwhelming. So I don't get turned on to it as much, but this is for another blog. This "current" soundtrack usually has names like "7.29" or "way down" or such.
The second soundtrack is the longer running narrative of your life, those songs that we feel seem to define (in some way) who you are. These don't necessarily include your "favorites" per se, though likely they would qualify. But rather these songs are the ones that tell us most about ourselves, how we see ourselves and our place in the world and our deepest feelings and reflections. Or lack thereof. This soundtrack is a little harder to break new songs into because of the personal and lifelong nature of what it contains. And it is intensely personal I think. These are the songs we play when we are at a crossroads or turning point, when we need something to remind us who we are and what got us here. And it isn't always so easy to hear either. There are songs on that list that I often cannot listen to because they are so "precious" in that sense, that once I hear the opening of it I am just over. Billy Joel's "And So It Goes" is like that for me. One of the most powerful songs and lyrics I have ever experienced, it just stops me in my tracks. I remember the first time I heard it, maybe two years ago or so. First off, as a musician, my mind has been trained to automatically process the workings of the music while it is being played and it dissects it into its requisite parts. The chords are laid out in my head, the melody on an invisible music staff, and the rhythms noted on how one would play them. Because this is an autonomic response, it can, I'm afraid to say, take away somewhat when listening to music; I can't help it, it just all gets processed. Most music is pretty predictable, so it is pretty easy to know what is next. Occasionally you get left turns, but not all that often. So this constant processing can render the experience not as rich when it happens, which is always. Almost always, anyway. I enjoy listening to jazz or 20th century "classical" musics because they are so complex my mind cannot keep up. But ever once in a while, when there is such a power to the song that it even breaks that automatic response, THAT is when it truly hits me in the gut (or heart or head), and that song was that way for me. I remember it clearly, riding along in the car. It was on a mix tape a friend had made that I never really intended to listen to, but it came up. And I was stunned. I had to actually pull over and play it again and again and again. I think it took 17 times straight before my mind could break away from the lyrics and message to get into processing the music. THAT is power. And that is the kind of song that winds its way into my "iStephen" playlist or soundtrack. So while I love that song I cannot play it often because I still wind up with my heart in my throat each and every time. This can be difficult if you are work or running errands with the kiddo and such, obviously.
But I guess what I am out of sorts about right now is that I don't seem to be able to put together a soundtrack of where I am. There are some easy fallbacks, there always are, but they aren't quite accurate.Being a writer/musician, I have always been told that "if you don't hear the kind of music you like, MAKE that music yourself". This is much easier said than done of course. I would say there is really only one recording that I have ever done that is on my "life" soundtrack, probably because it is the song I feel says the most about me, but it is very personal and painful. Anyway, I can't quite get in my head what this soundtrack would be like anyway. There seems to be no layout, no genre, no particular course to help plot it. I'm not sure I have ever felt it this intensely before. It is a bit unsettling really. When you come to rely on music SO much in your life and yet it feels suddenly distant, it can throw you off balance a bit. So I'm off balance. Go figure. :)
Not that I am writing this and hoping for solicitations from other people; I prefer to try to build these things on my own. I guess I'm just confused because it has worked in this automatic way before too and now it doesn't. So I feel stuck. I need some music to make me go, and I need to make me go to make some music. Chicken or egg. How do you know or start?
